Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Free range children?

Figuring out the parenting game is wrought with all kinds of strife. How much do we hold tightly, how much do we loosen the reigns? As of late, I’ve heard the new-fangled term for old-style parentin’. Free Range children. I like the concept… Particularly in theory. The idea of simply letting our kids roam freer. 

A while ago, I was watching a conference from several free-range kid scholars. You can watch it here. They were even people with big fancy degrees. And, they were speaking of the need for kids to figure out gobs of experiences for themselves. In fact, the crux of a lot of what they were saying, is that when kids grow up with authority figures always solving their problems, they expect it throughout the rest of their lives. 

The individuals featured in this conference shared a few examples of their own trials. They all live in New York City. One man spoke of how he let his children run ahead of him toward the street. He trusted his kids to stop. The greatest issues he had to deal with was other people chiding him for letting his kids get so far ahead of him. He’d explain that he knew his kids would stop. But, their response was, “But what if they didn’t.” I relate with this… Not that I get chided when my children run ahead of me to the street, just that I get nervous… I too think, what if they don’t stop. What if they get too far ahead that they are beyond my control? 


Another woman at the conference had a story on a bit more of the extreme side. In fact, she made the news for her example of free-ranging it. Her name is Lenore Skenazy. And, she wrote a piece explaining how she let her 9-year-old son take the subway alone. A media storm blew up. She got famous. I get the criticism… I’ve got a 9 year-old right now. Do I think he could travel the sub alone and make it fine? Yes. But, scary thoughts of creepy big-city folk wouldn’t let me do it. I'll just let him take the Tea subway for now.

And, as such, Skenazy was grilled with a recurring question, “What would you do if anything happened?” She admitted that there was no good way to answer such a question, and for the longest time she didn’t know why. But then she figured it out. She couldn’t respond to the question, because it really wasn’t a question. Such statements are simply backhanded condemnations. And, she stressed that people can apply such logic for innumerable instances. “What if something happens?” Such a declaration is the highest form of passive aggression. 

Now, let’s go back to the 80’s… I was a child of the 80’s. And, I did gobs of things without my parents around. So what has changed? Have things truly gotten scarier? Worse? With the ‘it was better in my day’ nostalgic biases we have, I wonder. Yes. I think it is likely, but, I know of tragic things that happened even back then. Perhaps the media simply got better at revealing the true nature of how terrible thing are. Perhaps, they’ve grow more sensationalistic about all that is happening. Or both. 

But, in addition, the panel discussed how we also try to rush into fast to solve scuttles among our children. Or, how we’re nervous to let our kids hang out with other kids in case they get into a fight. We want to be able to moderate. Where in the 80’s, we scuffled and rustled… And, frankly, I still think that part of my childhood sucked. Maybe, I just don’t want my kids to go through it, even if it might be good for them. 

What has changed with all this? I began to look deeply into my own reasons, why I don’t let my kids have the same free reign I had. Living in Tea, I am not too afraid that something super horrible will happen to my kids. Of course, I still want to take some semblance of precautions. 

I actually think the cause of my holding tighter is simpler. 

Everything’s so darn expensive. 

Maybe it just seems that way because I wasn’t paying the bills in the 80’s. Back, in my day (I’m sounding like an old man), a kid broke bones and got stitches all the time. It was a badge of honor. A rite of passage. (Though I didn’t get any… It was mostly my brother who got injured because of me.) And, while the medical bills were probably not cheap, they didn’t seem to break the bank. My middle child recently got stitches, and we were floored over the ridiculous bill (fortunatly, we were eventually blessed with a gift). But, as a struggling family just trying to be financially responsible, I can’t imagine having to pay such a cost 4 or 5 times.

Aside from getting hurt, my kids could also break something. And, everybody has nice things nowadays. My wife keeps saying that her dad used to say to his wild children, “This is why we don’t have nice things.” When I was a kid, hardly anyone had nice things. At least anyone we hung out with. We certainly didn’t. If I wanted to wreck something, I could go out into the groove and smash around some junk cars. Kids these days ain't got nothing to safely ruin.

Now when it comes to fighting, I have three boys. Anytime their eyes are open, they’re probably fighting. Why don’t I let my kids figure it out. Is it because I care about them, and don’t what them to get hurt? Sure. Maybe. Perhaps, I don’t want to pay any medical bills… Yet, I don’t really believe any of these fights will lead to such. So why do I intervene, even improperly at times? I just want it to end. I want them to be quiet. I don’t want to listen to them whine… 

So, what should I takeaway from all this free-range child philosophy… I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

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